Decisions make or break us. As human beings, we’re always facing some sort of decision. Some are small like what brand of bread to buy. Should I take this job? Can I afford to quit this one? Should I become a member of this booster club or even the PTA. Others are larger, like when we buy a car or a house and others even bigger like when to start a family. There are the heart-breaking decisions that people have to make concerning animals and even our loved ones. Parental decisions, life decisions. They mold us, shape us and even define us. I don’t ever remember making a conscious decision to quit writing—but it happened and for that I’m extremely sorry. I snuffed the light inside of me and I’m trying bit by bit to rekindle the flame that used to burn bright.
Years ago a very dear friend of mine sent me Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott. It’s a book about writing told not so much as a how to, but more of a realistic way to look at writing. I highly recommend it to everyone. She had me laughing out loud, nodding my head and I could completely relate to the majority, if not all of the things she said. I’ve been pondering a blog post about decisions, because I’ve made some lousy ones as of late, and for some reason, Anne’s voice popped into my head about her radio station she heard in her head called KFKD. It doesn’t take a Rocket Scientist to figure out what the letters stand for. It’s the radio station that plays in our heads 24/7. The channel playing in one ear is constant self-aggrandizement. You’re wonderful, you’re talented, you’re brilliant. The other ear plays a constant stream of bitter self-doubt. You suck. You quit. You’re talentless, worthless. Nobody will ever read or enjoy your writing ever again because you stopped. But then I have static that sprinkles into this station. Life’s static that bogs you down and let me tell you, if I took away the drama from January until July, I would be golden. I broke my own rule about becoming drama free from one issue and ended up being sucked into the drama pit of a much worse one. But it was my decision because it involved something that was so important to me—family.
After months of being pulled in this direction, yanked in that direction it came to a head. Words were said that cannot be taken back and feelings were sliced to the bone. It was a hard lesson learned, but I realized that I don’t miss the static. In fact, for the first time in a long time, I’m looking forward to drama-free holidays this year. There’s no one to worry about offending or pleasing. Except for me and my little family unit.
So decisions. I let the radio station rule me in all aspects of my life. I neglected myself and stopped being true to my dreams. Writing. They say that writing is like riding a bike, you can always get back on and ride it. They lied. Maybe it is for some people, but for me, it’s more like learning something new. My brain was conditioned to listen to the voices in my head, to see the vivid scenes and they’d just spew out of me as if I were watching a movie. I’d get a sprig of dialogue here, a glimpse of a face, another bit of dialogue and so on. I’d also made the decision to try and please everyone-a flaw I seem to possess. I became a proposal gal. I had the ideas, I had the names, I had the plot. But when it came to writing beyond a chapter or four, I couldn’t do it. So being the proposal girl got me absolutely nowhere. I stopped writing for me and writing towards something. I sold myself out.
I won’t be doing that again anytime soon. So, for me, NanoWriMo this year isn’t necessarily about winning, because if I can write beyond chapter four this month, with everything that I have going on, I’ll consider myself a winner. I’d love to push myself or get to a place where the words start flowing and spewing like they did a few years ago and I hope against hope that I can. But just writing—forcing myself to sit down and write something every day has helped a lot. The words are by no means great words at the moment, but with some editing and revising, I think I have one helluva story AND the ideas are coming again. So, I’m making another decision. The decision to write every day no matter what, even if it’s for an hour. Eventually, I will have a book to submit somewhere again and little by little the flame burning is what I hear instead of the static that is KFKD.
What decisions do you need to make? What does your KFKD radio station say to you?
